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Hey everyone, I don't really post that often but this is something I felt like I had to do, for my safety and I kind of need to vent, etc. This is going to be a lonnggg post, please don't reply if you didn't read it all. I'm 15, once summer is over I'll be a junior in highschool. I play soccer, did play lacrosse but had to quit because of my back, I do very well in school (I'm going to be taking college classes) and so forth.
But anyway, so I kind of feel like I need to tell my story, for you to understand my situation and so forth.
When I was younger (more towards 2nd grade time), my dad lost his job, which threw him into alcoholism and so forth. When I used to think he was going to work, he actually was in the garage drinking. Since we had no big source of income (my mom ran a daycare, but it wasn't enough to keep up with bills and such) we had to file for bankruptcy and lost our house.
So, we moved in with my grandparents on my moms side, and my mom said to my dad that if he kept drinking she'd file for divorce. SO, it seemed like he stopped drinking, but she found beer cans underneath the bed, so they got a divorce. This was when I was in third grade. So anyway, my dad has depression, and something else that I cant remember the name. Basically, it makes him paranoid as hell.
So they got a divorce, and when I went to visit him at my aunt and uncles house, my older cousin (hes like 20 now) used to play video games all the time, and thats how I got into computers and console games and so forth. I know this all seems kind of irrelevant, idk, I'm rambling big time but it'll get somewhere in a bit.
So anyway, that path led me here, the whole gaming thing, and so forth. I love computers, I love working with them, and so forth. The weird thing is, I'm not a stereotypical nerd, or anything. I play sports, I'm one of the popular kids, I get girls, and so forth (believe me or not, I know the truth. I'm not trying to brag or anything, this all has a point).
This kind of seems out of order, but anyway, this is like part of my problem. Basically, in 6th grade I was picked on a lot, for being nerdy and stuff (I was a nerd at the time, but in middle school a series of events led me to become a popular kid, I won't bore you with those stories). But anyway, so I wanted to kill myself. I came home, held a knife to my throat, and my mom came home right before I was about to. She didnt see me, but I put the knife away and it knocked some sense into me. I'm pretty sure I inherited my dads depression, because I've had moments like that throughout my life, but now it seems to be getting worse.
Like, I don't go a day without dipping into serious depressive boughts where I want to kill myself or wish I'd die, and so forth. Also, I get angry at people very quickly and badly, sometime for no reasons. Its starting to ruin relationships with friends and girls and the whole works. I'm pretty sure I have bipolar depression, because I go from happy to flipping out in a second, etc.
I know this is a shitton of reading, and I apologize, I really do. I'm just venting so much, because I haven't really told anyone this before, or not to this amount of detail.
So the thing is, I want help. I really want help, I hate being like this, I want to be happy all the time, or at least have control of my emotions. The thing is, because of my mom thinking I'm such a great kid and all, I can't stand to talk to her about it, it'd crush her. I also never get to talk to a doctor alone, and even if I did, he'd have to talk to my mom and stuff. I don't know what to do, I just know I really need help in one way or another.
I don't feel like I've told everything, but at least you have an idea. Please take me seriously, don't troll me, I just want advice.
Thank you so much.
Uh this is a bad place for this. My best advice is to talk to people you can actually trust (i.e. your mother, a doctor) not a bunch of ******* on a gaming forum. Especialy not HoN's forum, which is full of nerds, ragers, and depressed kids/trolls.
inb4 this is copypasta of 4chan trolllog, but there was no punchline so i bet not
e-famous superstar and legendary hero of the Brazilian people kirbyruled, once the greatest mod that OT hath ever known, requests but a single humble beta key
:/ Well I've seen other off topic things and people were helpful so I figured this would be fine..
And no.. this isn't from 4chan, what the **** is your issue? I wouldn't spend the time to copy and paste this, or ****ing write all of that out just to troll, that would be retarded. Does my OP even look remotely like a troll? It's serious, I see no trolling factors, what the ****?
Woah woah woah relax. I said "i bet not". But this is the Internet you never know, and furthermore; I'm a friggin` mod. I know a thing or two about how people react to these things and if you are truely sensitive enough to post this stuff, well, I'll have to keep an eye on this thread before it turns into a war zone...
Anyways, with that out of the way, the best advice I can give you is to go to the people who care about you and don't chase shadows of people you will likely never meet.
e-famous superstar and legendary hero of the Brazilian people kirbyruled, once the greatest mod that OT hath ever known, requests but a single humble beta key
Wise words. OP, you should listen to kirby.Originally Posted by kirbyruled
Ya, you're not gonna get anywhere here. You need a doctor/mental health professional. Sounds like it could be bipolar, but from what you describe, seems like either mixed episodes or rapid cycling, not depression (bipolar depression implies only depressive episodes, you seemed to describe some mania or hypomania in there). Again, go to a doctor--OK didn't read the last part, maybe talk to a counselor at school? Or tell your mom you'd like to ask the doctor something by yourself? Odds are, your mom would more upset if you did something harmful to yourself versus got help.
Last edited by BobLoblaw; 06-24-2010 at 06:24 PM.
Doctor patient confidentiality means you can see a physician and not have to worry about them telling your mum anything, and it doesn't matter that you're a minor.
but you should decide if it's teenage angst or not before you get a doctor to drug you up.
edit: maybe check the patient confidentially thing for your state, guess they could have age restrictions, I dunno ur uncle sam laws
Last edited by Mark; 06-24-2010 at 06:42 PM.
Sorry kirby.. flip out moment >.>
And aha dont worry about me, I've been around the internet for a long time I know how it works
But thanks guys, atleast for the information and such. I didn't know about that confidentiality thing. And bob, I'm gonna look up that mania / hypomania thing because I've never really heard of it.
My first advice is to be honest with your mother. Yes, it would crush her, but I promise you she would rather know the truth about you than have a fake and superficial image of the perfect kid.
With both my grandfather and my mother being diagnosed with bipolar depression, I have an idea of what living around people with it is like. Sometimes I wonder if I have inherited it as well, but honestly, I think most of my problems stem from my ****ed up family life, more than a chemical disorder (which I've never bothered to get tested for).
You may have a chemical disorder, and I'm not denying that, but I also think (based on my own experiences) that a HUGE part of your "depression" and "anger" come from your rough childhood, especially the way your father treated your family and the way you were treated in Elementary School.
Trust me, that sh1t sticks with you. I am still dealing with these that happened to me years and years ago, that I thought I had dealt with, but I'm just now realizing I've just scratched the surface of it all. Sometimes when you deal with your past, it hurts, it sucks, it makes you depressed, lonely, and want to die. When you have a traumatic childhood life, this is actually pretty normal. What you need to do is make sure you can tell the difference between being upset over things in the past, and being upset with things in the present. Sometimes they get so mixed up that you can't really tell what you are sad or angry about anymore, and so you just take it out on everybody.
Don't do that. I look at it like this: If I have no reason to be angry at my life in the present (read: Nothing bad is happening to me), then I have no reason not to assume I'm currently dealing with a skeleton that wants out of my closet. Sometimes you won't even know what you're dealing with, and that just comes along with experience and confiding in people you know you can trust and care about. Opening up to people who love you and who you can trust is very therapeutic, and usually necessary when you are dealing with traumatic life issues.
This is why you need to tell your mom, and let her help you. I know it will break her heart, but life isn't always easy, or fair, and letting her believe a lie isn't helping either of you.
Another option you have it talking to a counselor or somebody actually trained for this kind of situation; I just never felt comfortable talking to those kinds of people, but if you are it can certainly help.
Last edited by Wingflier; 06-24-2010 at 10:14 PM.
Speaking as a bi polar person and someone who has depression on and off my advice is this.
First of all, life is full of disappointments and failures. Get used to it. Life is also full of happy moments too. More for some people, less for others. What matters is how you deal with the moment you are in. Don't think about whats to come. Think about how to deal with each moment as it happens. You can seek counseling of course, but you probably know that. Just do things that make you happy that don't hurt others. Don't pay attention to anyone who looks down on you or tells you you're no good. You shouldn't care what others think about you. Love yourself first and foremost.
Wow thank you so much guys, thats good advice and I'm not exactly sure what I'll do yet. I mean, nothing wrong is happening to me now, that I should be upset about. Its just that I randomly get depressed even when nothing has happened, and it sucks. But I'm trying really hard to not let it control me. When I feel like I'm getting depressed I just tell myself to not let my emotions control me, and that I have to control my emotions. It's starting to work
I've learned that true happiness is a process of being broken down and losing everything, only to realize that you never had anything in the first place, so that you can rebuild and reevaluate what's really important in life.
In those times where you feel like everything is hopeless, just remember that everything is going to be okay, and that you don't have to give up.
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